


Sincerely, Me

by igottoomuchwriting



Series: Dear Evan Hansen Rewrite [3]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff???? idek, Jared knows he is a Bi Fool, M/M, Suicide mention, evan is panicking, no beta we die like men, no relatonship yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2019-11-16 04:45:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18087692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/igottoomuchwriting/pseuds/igottoomuchwriting
Summary: Evan and Connor are coming to terms with their emotions





	1. Chapter 1

Evan rushed in the front door of his house, stumbling as he hurried to take of his shoes.

“I’m sorry!” Evan rushed out. “Connor saw me walking home and wanted to hang out and I didn’t want to say no because he was having a bad day then I lost track of time and forgot we were going to hang out, sorry--”

“Evan, dude!” Jared huffed out. “It’s chill. I was just surprised you weren’t here and had to make sure you didn’t die.”

Evan looked at Jared, who was laying on the couch with he shoes kicked up on the coffee table. He was always relaxed when he was here, which Evan sometimes envied. It’s his own house and he feels uncomfortable a lot.

“Sorry,” Evan said again. Jared sighed, but said nothing else on the topic.

“How about we get Mario Kart going, eh?”

“Uh, yeah, okay.” Evan quickly went to his TV and started to set up their Wii.

It was silent between the two, which confused Evan. Jared basically loved the sound of his own voice, so it wasn’t uncommon for him to be talking nonstop.

“So, what, you got the hots for Connor now?” Silence broken. Evan shot Jared a confused look.

“What?”

“I gotta say man, usually when people have a type, it’s people that have vague similarities. They’re not usually siblings.”

“Wait,” realization hit Evan and he shook his head. “I don’t like Connor like that!”

“You never forget anything, Evan,” Jared laughed. “You always double check and are always obnoxiously early for everything in existence. Then suddenly, Connor Murphy--high school druggie, I might add--takes you somewhere and you forget I’m coming over?” He shrugged and leaned back in the couch. “Sounds like love-struck to me.”

“I’m not--That’s not what it is!”

“What is it then, Evan?”

“We’re friends.” He turned back to the TV, continuing to hook up the Wii. It was more difficult when you have a cast and can’t completely grasp the wires. “Nothing more.”

“What did you guys even do then? Get high?” Jared gasped dramatically, putting his hand over his mouth for better effect. “Did Evan Hansen smoke _weed_?”

“No, Jared!” Evan sighed and looked down at the ground in defeat. “He just--he remembered that I liked nature and what not, so he took me to the abandoned orchard in town. He showed me the field that was in the middle and he said we should climb a tree, but obviously I couldn’t because of my cast.”

“Anything else?” he pushed.

“Well, um, we talked about bands and singers we liked? Apparently, he likes a band called Hollywood Undead, and he made fun of my music choice--”

“Like any logical person would.”

“--and then he brought up homecoming because it’s coming up soon, and it’s our senior year so that’s probably why he brought it up? He asked if I was going or if any girls would ask me. I returned the question and asked if he would go, and he said that not even a girl could make him go.” Evan laughed. “It was funny because I asked if he liked a girl and said something like, yeah, a girl, so I thought I had crossed a boundary because why would he share what girl he liked with me?”

Jared stared at Evan in disbelief. At this point, he was leaning forward on his knees and had his hands in front of his mouth, almost like a prayer.

“Are you serious?”

“Y--yeah?”

“Evan, oh my god!” Jared yelled. “You are the _most_ thick-headed person I have ever met!” He laid back and threw his hands of his eyes. “He’s _gay!”_

“What? No, no he’s not gay,” Evan argued. Jared stared Evan in the eyes.

“Evan,” he mumbled. “Evan, he doesn’t like a girl. You said when you asked, he was standoffish?” Evan nodded his head. “That means he doesn’t like a girl. In fact, he doesn’t like _any_ girls!” Evan opened his mouth to rebut, but it clicked.

“Oh my _god_.” Evan put his hands in his hair. “How did I not notice?”

“Because you’re _dense_.”

“What do I do now?”

“I don’t know man. It seems like Connor is gay,” Jared walked over to where Evan was sitting and placed his hands on his shoulder, leaning down to his ear, “and it seems like he is gay for _you_.”

Evan pushed his hands off and shook his head.

“No, Connor isn’t gay for me. He doesn’t like me. We’re friends, Jared.”

The two stared at each other for a second. Evan had panic set in, because if Connor does like him--which he doesn't, there is no way--then Evan would lose a friend because he doesn’t like Connor in that way. He may like that he is so nice to Evan, that he actually cares for Evan, that he will text Evan and make sure he eats something. He may like that he once offered Evan his coat because it was raining and Evan didn’t bring his because he thought it was going to be hot outside, but these are all things that friends do for friends, and Evan likes it in a friend way.

He likes _Connor_ in a friend way.

“Alright,” Jared threw his hands up in defeat. “Live your life in denial, Evan. But don’t come crying to me when Connor confesses his undying love for you.” Evan said nothing in response. He put in Mario Kart and gave Jared a controller as he sat down next to him.

\---

Homecoming is slowly approaching, and everyone is getting ready. There are couples planning outfits, friends planning rides, and everyone preparing for spirit week next week.

Connor and Evan sit in the lunchroom, watching everyone buzz around in excitement. They were both watching a girl talk to her boyfriend in the corner, where she was most likely calling him out for talking to another girl. No surprise, though. Senior boys don’t care about Freshman girls.

“I don’t think I will ever understand the hype for homecoming,” Connor mumbled. “Why is everyone excited to sit and watch a game where we will have our asses handed to us, a dance performance where you can’t even hear the music, and go to a dance where at least one fight happens, and three couples break up?”

“The drama?” Evan guessed. Connor shrugged and turned around to face Evan.

Ever since Evan and Jared had that conversation, Evan was always on edge if he and Connor got on topics of relationships. He also watched his thoughts on Connor.

He knows he is letting what Jared said get to his head, but he can’t help but overthink it. He knows he likes girls, he has only ever _liked_ girls his whole life, so there should be no way that he has a crush on Connor.

He almost had a panic attack when Connor walked into school the other day with his hair up in a bun and his first thought was “he looks good”. Connor couldn’t understand why Evan was freaking out, and Evan just lied and said that he was worried about a test he had that day.

Which wasn’t _completely_ wrong, but still.

“Next week is going to be hell,” Connor groaned. Evan looked up from his lunch to shoot him a confused look.

“Why?”

“Everyone is going to be dressing up, and I won’t be, and I don’t want to hear the passive aggressive comments about how I don’t have any fucking school spirit.” He folded his arms and laid his head down. “I don’t need to fucking deal with that shit all week.”

Evan nodded his head in agreement. There was only one day that he tried dressing up, but no one even noticed that he was, and then Jared proceeded to make fun of him _for_ dressing up, so he never did it again.

“Well, you won’t be the only one not dressed up,” he hummed. “I won’t be dressed up either.”

Connor lifted his head up, seeming to consider what Evan said. He looked Evan in the eyes and gave him a small smile.

“True.” Evan quickly looked back at his food, face warm.

Why was his face warm? Was he blushing? Why would he be blushing? He can’t be blushing, because there is no reason to be blushing. Connor just smiled at him. Friends smile at each other all the time, right? There’s no reason for Evan to be blushing at his friend’s perfect--

“Evan?” Connor asked. Evan snapped his head back up towards him. “Are you okay? Your face is really fucking red.”

“Um, yeah, uh--” Great. He is blushing. Connor can tell that he is blushing. He doesn’t know why though.

Evan doesn’t either.

“Just--hot. Yeah, I’m hot. That’s it.” Connor didn’t seem to belief that, but before he could comment on it, the lunch bell rang. “Oh look, I have to go to class. Sorry, bye.”

With that, he was gone. He threw his lunch tray away as he walked out the doors and quickly merged into the high school traffic.

He needs to get himself under control before Connor finds out and stops hanging out with him.

 

Evan was home alone. Not an unusual thing, but today he is way too happy about it. He needs to write his letter for therapy, and he doesn’t want to risk his mom seeing what he’s writing.

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today was a good day, and here’s why–_

 

Will his therapist find it weird that he is writing it in past tense?

Probably.

 

_This week is the week before Homecoming. One of the most stressful weeks in high school life. Everyone will be dressing up and planning dates and I will be left out of it. As always._

_But this year, I won’t be alone. I have my new friend Connor to hang out and talk with during the whole time._

_He won’t be dressing up either, so I know people won’t judge me for not dressing up._

His counselor does know who Connor is. One appointment, Evan had come in and according to his counselor, was ‘happier’. He explained that he had made a new friend, and this led to the explanation of how he and Connor met.

“I’m glad you exclaimed to him and opened up about the help you are getting,” his counselor had commented.

 

_I had forgotten that I was supposed to hang out with Jared one day after school because Connor picked me up and took me to an abandoned orchard. It was the sweetest thing anyone had done for me._

Evan quickly erased that sentence.

 

_It was a kind gesture. I’m guessing he remembered that I love nature, so that must be why he took me there._

_He may have also been apologizing to me for yelling. He was yelling at me, but he snapped when I asked him about his parents and why he was upset. I’ve learned he doesn’t say sorry, but he does things to show that he is sorry._

_I guess I say sorry enough for the both of us._

Evan continued to write. Sometimes he would just space off as he wrote. He loved these moments because that showed his anxiety was truly calming down and it was a nice break.

It was about 10 minutes before he started paying attention to what he was writing. He shook his head to get himself out of the empty-headed state and re-read what he just wrote.

 

_Connor is honestly a good friend, and it’s a surprise no one has wanted to try talking to him. I get that he is known for being a stoner and violent, but even people who are not into stoners should try talking to people who look as good as Connor does._

_A few days ago, he wore his hair up in a messy bun. He said it was because he hadn’t showered in a few days, and even though he was used to his hair being gross, he didn’t want to deal with it that day. I wanted to tell him that he should really try taking care of himself better, but who am I to judge? I can go days without eating._

_Is it bad that I also didn’t want to tell him so I could have a chance of seeing him in a messy bun again in the future?_

Evan slammed his laptop closed. He could feel his face heating up.

There was no way he could show this to his counselor.


	2. Connor's Struggle

To Single Scoop:  _ i stg if this mom doesnt chill tf out i will find where she lives and fight her _

Connor has no idea how to text people unless he is asking for weed. It took him a while to actually show that he wants to have a conversation over text while he was texting Evan. There was a lot of back and forth between the two over the past month where Evan would ask if he was annoying Connor or telling Connor that he didn’t have to talk to him if he didn’t want to.

Then he figured out that Evan liked when Connor randomly ranted to him, so that’s what he was doing now. He was watching  _ Say Yes to the Dress  _ and texting Evan, who was the only person in his life who knew that he liked TLC shows, specifically  _ Say Yes to the Dress _ .

 

To Single Scoop:  _ SHES CRYING NOW AND THE MOM STILL WONT BUDGE _

To Single Scoop:  _ thats it _

To Single Scoop:  _ im flying to georiga. Ill see you later evan _

From Single Scoop:  _ I know you have that ability so please dont _

To Single Scoop:   _ like my parents would let me _

From Single Scoop:  _ Find something nice in Georgia that your mom would love to see.  _

_        I’m sure that will get her going _

To Single Scoop:   _ well which is it hanse _

To Single Scoop:  _ should i go punch this lady in the face or no _

From Single Scoop:  _ Definite no _

 

It is nice that Connor has someone to talk to when these shows get really stupid and make him want to fight the people. Usually he would say it to himself and just have conversations with himself, but then he eventually stopped because who the hell has conversations with themselves? Sad loners like Connor, that’s who.

Connor watched as the bride stared at herself in the mirror, teary-eyed and listening to her mother try and stop her daughter from buying the dress.

“ _ Listen to your heart,”  _ Randy said. “ _ Do you picture yourself walking down the aisle in this?” _

“ _ Yes,”  _ the bride whispered. Connor anxiously watched it all go down. The mother was trying one last argument to get her daughter to not put on the dress.

“ _Are you saying yes to this dress?”_ _  
__“Yes!”_ Connor cheered along with the bride and consultants, and flipped off the TV has the mother said that she was upset.

 

To Single Scoop:  _ oh good the bride won _

From Single Scoop:  _ With Randy on her side, how could she not _

 

Connor laughed. Evan knew the show enough that Randy was the end-all for brides. No one could win in an argument with him.

 

To Single Scoop:  _ true _

 

Connor heard keys turning in the front door. He cursed under his breath. 

 

To Single Scoop:  _ shit _

To Single Scoop:  _ my mom is home _

To Single Scoop:  _ i have to go to my bed and pretend to get some sleep _

To Single Scoop:  _ night _

 

Connor turned off the TV and put the Amazon fire stick back where it’s supposed to be before running upstairs before his mother entered the living room and saw that he wasn’t awake.

Usually he wouldn’t care if she saw him up this late, but he doesn’t want to hear her complain that he isn’t getting any sleep and then get in another fight because he won’t tell her what's wrong. He’ll tell her when he knows that she will actually get him the help that he wants.

He quietly shut his door as he heard his parents talking downstairs. He was quick to get under the covers and plug his phone in, feigning that he has been asleep the whole time.

His mom came in to check on him like she does every night. Connor could tell she was standing at his door for a while, and just as she was going to leave, Connor’s phone went off. 

Connor mentally cursed. Of course Evan had to text him back  _ right  _ now.

His mom

“Connor? Are you awake?” she asked. Connor wondered if he should keep pretending, but at this point, he didn’t care anymore.

“Yeah,” he grunted. 

“Who texted you?”

“A friend.” For the first time, this was actually the truth.

“What friend has a name of ‘Single Scoop’?” She was looking at his phone? Connor snapped his head up to see her holding his phone, arms crossed.

“It’s a nickname.”

“What does it mean?” 

“It’s just a nickname, mom, it doesn’t need a reasoning!” 

“What’s going on?” he heard his dad call. 

“Oh, great, let’s just bring the whole family in!” Connor snapped.

“Connor, we’re just wondering who you’re texting!” 

Larry walked into Connor’s room, obviously tired and confused.

“It’s just a friend! His name is Evan! It’s a surprise that your fucked up son can actually make friends!”

“Connor!” Connor ignored her and threw his blanket over his head. He knew he wouldn’t be able to escape with Larry at the door, so he might as well just pretend they aren’t there.

“Just check his messages, Cynthia,” he heard Larry mumble. That caused Connor to sit back up in his bed in a fit of anger.

“You guys check my fucking messages?!”

“Connor, we only do it because we want to make sure you’re okay.”

“No!” he yelled. “There should be no fucking reason you check my fucking messages!”

“We just need to make sure you aren’t lying to us,” Larry deadpanned. 

“That’s a breach of my fucking privacy!”

“You haven’t done anything to show us that we can trust you with privacy.”

“You know what,” Connor snapped. “Fine! Fucking take it!”

“Don’t raise your voice at us!” Larry snapped. Connor said nothing in response, just laid down and blocked them out. They both eventually left, leaving Connor alone with his thoughts.

\---

Connor hadn’t calmed down from the night before. His parents had discussed if he should still be allowed to have his car, but after realizing that Zoe had band practice, he was still allowed to drive himself to school.

“Were you really talking to Evan?” Zoe asked when she saw him in the morning. Connor turned and raised an eyebrow.

“When?”

“Last night, when mom and dad went into your room.” Connor turned away. He grabbed the milk that his mom had left on the counter and poured himself a glass.

“Yeah.”

“Really?” He gave her a side glare.

“What, do you not believe me either?” Zoe shrugged. She crossed her arms and leaned against the counter.

“You never made friends before this, so it is hard to believe that someone could really want to talk to you.”

“Wow, tell me how you really feel,” he sarcastically mumbled.

“I’m just saying, from what I know about Evan, he’s way too nice to be talking to you.”

“And you’re way too nice to be related to me, but here we fucking are.” He downed the rest of the milk in his glass and slammed his cup down on the counter. “Now if you excuse me, I have to get to school so I can continue to be judged.”

On the drive to the school, all of Connor’s thoughts were of Evan and why he was friends. After Connor figured out that he liked men instead of women, Evan was one of the first classmates that he decided was attractive, but he never pursued anything. No one would talk to him, and everytime Evan saw him he had a look of terror. After getting to know the boy, he realised he gave everyone the same look.

Even now that they are friends, Connor is not letting himself get his hopes up. He knows that Evan has a crush on his sister, and most likely doesn’t like boys. Even if he did like boys, there was no way he would like Connor more than a friend. It’s a surprise that he even likes him as a friend, as many people like to constantly remind him.

By the time he pulled into the school parking lot, he had successfully put himself into an even worse mood than he was before. He would just sneak off to go smoke, but Evan would be worried if he didn’t show up, and he doesn’t have his phone to text him, so he just had to deal with the day.

Connor realized that was going to be harder than he thought when he stood at his locker. People were walking by him, not even watching to see if they would bump into him, and would even sometimes almost close his locker while he was doing something. 

“Hey Connor,” he heard a voice mumble. Connor snapped his head to the side and shot a glare at the kid who decided to bother him.

Which happened to Evan.

“What?” he snapped out of instinct. He immediately regretted it. He saw Evan flinch and take a small step back, as if he was trying to get out of Connor’s range and hide.

“Well you seem like you’re in a bad mood so I wanted to come over and see if you’re okay but you barely know me so I don’t know why you would even want to talk to me about it. I’m sorry I should’ve have even come over, I’ll leave, I’m sorry.” He wasn’t even looking Connor in the eyes as he stuttered out that sentence. Of course that would freak him out. Connor sighed and it his head against the top of his locker, wishing that he could just knock himself out or restart the day.

“No, I didn’t mean to snap at you. You did nothing wrong.” That was the closest he could get to saying sorry. Once he learned that people never really cared if they made him feel bad, he quickly learned to stop caring if he made them feel bad. Though, by being around Evan and having a slight crush on the boy, he realized that was going to have to change if he wanted to keep him in his life.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me,” he heard Evan mumble. Connor spared a glance to the side. 

Evan did care. He really, truly cared about why Connor was upset, and that wasn’t something Connor was used to. He knew that in order for them to get closer he would have to let his walls down a little bit, but he was afraid to. One of the few things he was actually afraid of. He’s going to have to get over that.

“My parents took my fucking phone last night because they didn’t believe that I was texting someone other than a fucking drug dealer,” he started out calmly. He didn’t want to look at Evan as he spoke, though he felt the anger coming back very quickly. “ I told them that no goddamn drug dealer would be answering fucking calls at that hour because they were trying to act like normal  _ fucking  _ people but they took my phone anyway!” 

He slammed his locker shut and saw Evan jump out of the corner of his eye. He knew that there were kids who were giving him weird looks in the hallway, but he couldn’t find himself to care. He just lied to Evan about what he was talking to his parents about. Why? Who knows. Maybe it’s easier to be a druggie in this school than a kid who actually cares.

“They don’t believe a  _ fucking  _ thing I say and it pisses me off because I was actually telling the truth this time!”

It was silent between the two. Connor wasn’t upset about that. He knew that Evan most likely had no idea how to deal with the extreme emotions that Connor feels, as he can barely handle his own anxiety.

“I’m sorry. That’s–That, um, sucks.”

“Understatement of the fucking century,” Connor grumbled. 

He heard the first bell ring, signaling that Connor had five minutes to get to his class. He just couldn’t deal with it today. With his parents, his sister, and his own thoughts, he knew he wouldn’t be able to focus in class anyway. Having an unexcused absence would be better than being sent down to the officer for not paying attention.

Connor turned towards the doors that were placed at the end of the hallway and started making his way to them.

“Wait, where are you going?” he heard Evan call after him.

“Anywhere but fucking here,” Connor called back before pushing open the double doors. 

He stomped over to his truck, hands shoved in his pockets and his eyes downcast. He had no idea where he wanted to go, but he knew that he had to go somewhere private so he can smoke weed without getting caught.

\---

Connor realized as soon as he got to the closed orchard that he always somehow ended up at that his parents cleaned out his car. Every bit of it.

Which means that they found his weed stash in the and most likely threw it away.

Connor drove to the one place that actually calms him down and brings him peace­–the abandoned orchard.

When Connor was younger and not on drugs, his parents would always take him and Zoe here. They would have picnics, play games, go on hikes, and even camp one time. It was when his parents weren’t fighting with him or each other, and he and Zoe actually loved each other like siblings should. The year the orchard closed was also the year Connor’s depression seemed to peak. That was when he started getting into weed to be happy, fighting with his parents, and trying to do anything to either shorten or end his life.

Nothing has really gotten better, even after the counseling, the rehab, and all the drugs in the world, Connor was still struggling. He started coming back and sneaking into the orchard when it was getting hard again, and it always calmed him down. You would think going back to the place when his family was happy would make him sad, but it actually gave him the ability to forget everything about his life for a short while.

As he walked around, the took the time to look up into the trees, up to the sky that was shining bright. Connor was almost glad he wasn’t high so he could see this all through clear eyes.

A thought popped into his head. He remember Evan talking to him about his apprenticeship with the forest rangers, and how much he loved nature and trees. Has he ever been here?

Quickly looking at his phone, Connor cursed at the time. He started jogging back to his truck so he can pick Evan up from school in time.

\---

Luckily Connor didn’t need to go inside to find Evan. Evan had started walking home and Connor had seen the back of his backpack before he turned into the school parking lot. He stepped of the gas and pulled up to the shoulder a little ahead of where Evan was walking. Evan didn’t look up from the ground and instead kept walking. 

“Evan!” Connor called out of his passenger window. No response. Connor was tempted to try again, but he knew that the boy couldn’t hear him.

He honked the horn of his truck. Evan’s head snapped up and he looked directly at Connor. 

Success.

Evan pulled out his headphones while giving Connor a confused look.

“Connor?” he asked.

“Get in, Hansen,” Connor called. Evan didn’t question or hesitate, just walked through the grass dividing the sidewalk from the street and hopped into Connor’s car. Connor wasn’t sure on whether he should be happy that Evan asked no questions or upset.

Connor pulled back into the street as soon as Evan closed the passenger door, excited to show his friend the orchard. 

It was silent for the beginning of the ride. Connor realized that Evan might be worried that Connor is still mad. He’s not, but there was no way for Evan to be able to tell. He also snapped at Evan this morning and Evan may be waiting for an apology.

“I didn’t mean to flip out on you earlier,” he stated. Not quite an apology, but a month ago, Connor would have just moved on without a second glance at a person’ feelings.

“I know,” Evan mumbled. It was silent again after that. 

“Have you ever been to the orchard?” Connor asked.

“What orchard?” Connor silently cheered victory in his head.

“So I’ll take that as a no.”

Connor explain what the orchard was to Evan so he wouldn’t be too freaked out that COnnor was bringing him to some abandoned place.

They eventually got onto the topic of bands and singers that they like. Connor was shocked when Evan said that he liked Taylor Swift before she started pop and did not miss an opportunity to make fun of him. Evan retaliated by stating that one of his favorite bands wasn’t popular and they continued to bicker back and forth.

Connor loved it. He never really got to playfully make fun of someone without the other person that he was actually being mean. There had been many times that Connor tried playfully making fun of Zoe, but she always got mad and it would escalate into a fight, so he stopped trying. It was nice to have a friend who knew he wasn’t being mean.

They pulled up to the orchard. Connor parked his car in the parking lot that was placed out front.

“Uh, what are we, uh, doing here?” Evan asked, a slight shake in his voice.

“We’re gonna walk around.”

“W-Wait, what?” 

“Come on, Hansen,” Connor pushed. He exited the truck and walked towards the gate, heading towards the cut in the fence he made so that he can go back and forth without being caught.

“We can’t go in!” Connor heard Evan call. Connor rolled his eyes. No Trespassing signs only mean something when the government was actually taking care of it.

“Trust me, it’s fine.”

“What if someone finds us? What if they see your car and come searching and then we get in trouble? What if we get arrested? I can’t have my mom bail me out of jail, and your parents won’t--”

“Evan!” Connor snapped and turned around. “It’s fine. I come here all the time. I was just here earlier, and no one found me. No one even thinks about this place anymore.”

Connor watched Evan nod his head and avert his eyes down to the ground. Connor mentally cursed He couldn’t even get a grip on his anger long enough to show Evan a place that meant a lot to him. 

Connor took a deep breath.

“Just… Come on. You can trust me.”

He started walking to the fence, occasionally checking back to make sure that Evan was still following him. 

Connor pushed the piece of fence he cut open back and stepped to the side, motioning Evan to go through. Evan ducked his head and climbed through with Connor following right after.

Connor stood up and brushed the dirt off of his pants, and when he looked up, he wasn’t shocked to see Evan holding his cast and looking around in shock. 

“This place got closed down after they opened up the park as a national park,” Connor answered his unasked question. “Apparently people feel like going to a national park would be more fun than an orchard, even though it’s the same fucking thing.”

Connor walked past Evan and into the trees. He knew he wanted to show Evan the field that he and his family always hung out at. The grass was close to being overgrown and at this time of day, the trees might be blocking the sun, but it was still Connor’s favorite place.

“So homecoming’s coming up,” Connor stated. “You going?”

“Well, uh, probably not?” Not a big shock.

“Even if a cute girl asked you out?” Connor laughed, though he cringed on the inside. His crush on his friend may mean nothing, but it still hurt just a bit to picture Evan with a girl.

“If someone asked me out, that’d be a shock in itself.” Connor chuckled.

“Fair enough.”

“What about you?” Evan continued. “You going?”

“No.” Connor shook his head. “No way.”

“Not even if a girl asks you?” Connor had to stop himself at that one.

“There’s no girl that could make me go to any dance.” He heard Evan hum.

“What if your crush asked you?” Connor stiffened up. 

That was a thought. Connor could imagine Evan anxiously approaching him after school, playing with the bottom of his shirt, asking him to homecoming. Stuttering over the fact that Connor could say no and that he was sorry for ruining their friendship before Connor would pull him into a hug and say yes. He could imagine them going to the dance and ditching in the first thirty minutes, going to Á La Mode instead. He could imagine him taking Evan back home, walking him to his door to wish him good night. Connor could easily lean down—

“There is a girl you like, right?” Evan continued. Connor mentally pushed away that fantasy. He gave Evan a quick side glance and coughed, hoping to hide the blush that was probably making its way up on his face. 

“Yeah. A girl…” He trailed off and left it there. Evan seemed to understand that Connor didn’t want to be pushed, so they fell back into silence.

Connor watched all the trees past, looking for the opening he needed. Once it came into view, Connor stopped in his tracks.

“We’re here.” He looked at Evan to see the boy giving him a confused look.

“Wait, where?”

“Look,” he motioned to the gap in the trees. Evan gave him a side glance before walking towards the area where Connor motioned. Connor let him get a head a bit before he started following.

He saw Evan standing a bit farther than he thought he would be, looking around in awe. He stared at the trees, hands grasping the little bit of grass that his hand could reach. Connor watched grass blow around him and sun illuminate his figure just enough where he wasn’t just a shadow.

“I assume you like it?” he called. Evan turned around, and oh god, his eyes were shining. It was the cutest thing he has ever seen.

Connor needed to get this crush under control.

“Connor, this—this is amazing! How did you find it?”

“I was just walking around one day and found it.” He didn’t want Evan to feel bad that this was the last place his family was truly happy, or feel like he was intruding on something he shouldn’t.

He watched as Evan turned back at take everything in again. Connor realized he had a smile on his face.

“You said you like to climb trees, right?” Connor asked. He walked over so he was standing next to Evan, though now that he was closer, he could almost feel Evan stiffen.

“Um, yeah,” he stuttered. Connor didn’t pay any attention to it.

“Come on. There’s a tree with really low branches.” Connor started walking towards the tree. It was easy for Connor to find it as it stuck out from the rest of the trees, obviously there for children or teens who would love to climb more.

“I—I don’t think I can climb right now,” he heard Evan call. Connor turned and gave him a confused look.

“Why not?” Evan held up his cast. Connor stared at the cast in questioning before it clicked. He has an unusable arm that would prevent him from climbing. “Fuck, that’s right. I’m a moron.”

“Sorry,” Evan mumbled.

“Why are you sorry?” There was absolutely no reason for Evan to be sorry. He wished that didn’t get on his nerves as much as it did.

“You wanted to climb the tree, and I can’t.” Connor sighed and shook his head.

“That’s not your fault, man.” Evan nodded his head and wouldn’t look Connor in the eyes. Connor pursed his lips. There was no reason for Evan to be upset and he wished there was a way he could show the boy that.

Suddenly Evan reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. Connor watched him as he looked at the screen and cursed.

Connor walked over and looked over Evan’s shoulder to see who it was.

“Kleinman? What does that fucker want?” Connor growled.

“I forgot I was supposed to hang out with him today.” Connor watched as he hit enter and took a few steps away, probably hoping for a private conversation.

“I’m sorry, I was walking home but Connor wanted to hang out—”

Connor didn’t want to listen. That alone was going to make Jared think that Connor had kidnapped Evan, or at least threatened him. He started picking at his nail polish, ignoring the side of the conversation he can hear. 

He should really paint his nails again.

“I’m sorry Connor, can we—”

“Yeah, we can go back,” Connor snapped. He was hoping to have a bit more alone time with Evan, but of course, Jared  _ fucking  _ Kleinman had to come in a ruin that.

“Sorry, this was fun, but—”

“I know.” Connor turned and forced a smile on his face, hoping that Evan understood that he wasn’t mad at him. “You and Jared had plans. Nothing wrong with that.”

Connor started walking away, not waiting to see if Evan was following him.

“Thank you for taking me here,” Evan said as soon as they got into Connor’s truck.

“Yeah. We can come back.” Connor turned to look at Evan and saw that he was looking at his lap, a smile on his face. Connor quickly turned back to the road, heart fluttering as he hears many classmates say.

Evan was actually happy to hang out with Connor, and Connor made him smile.

Getting a hold on this crush may be harder than he thought.


	3. Jared Actually Helps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is struggling and Jared actually wants to help

Homecoming was just next week, and Connor was not ready. If he could skip a whole week of school with no consequences, this would be the week he does it. Every year since freshman year, he didn’t dress up and without fail, there would be at least one kid from student council who would bash on him for not dressing up with everyone else.

Right now it was lunch time, and Connor and Evan were sitting and watching a girl talking to her boyfriend. Connor could tell that she was a freshman, and he knew the boy as one of the most popular kids in their class. She was showing him texts on her phone and was obviously upset, and the boy just kept looking away and faking care.

Figures.

“I don’t think I will ever understand the hype for homecoming,” Connor mumbled. “Why is everyone excited to sit and watch a game where we will have our asses handed to us, a dance performance where you can’t even hear the music, and go to a dance where at least one fight happens and three couples break up?”

“The drama?” he heard Evan guess. Connor shrugged his shoulders. Evan’s guess was as good as his.

He turned around so he could face Evan all the way, already bored with watching the couple. He saw that Evan had ate a little bit of what the school has given him and he mentally sighed. Sometimes Evan just wouldn’t eat and it always concerned Connor, even if he didn’t eat either. Evan had people who cared if he was suddenly sick and in pain because he didn’t eat lunch.

Besides, he always ate when he was high. That was enough for him.

“Next week is going to be hell,” Connor realized and groaned. Evan shot him a confused look.

“Why?”

“Everyone is going to be dressing up, and I won’t be, and I don’t want to hear the passive aggressive comments about how I don’t have any fucking school spirit.” He folded his arms and laid his head down. “I don’t need to fucking deal with that shit all week.” 

“Well, you won’t be the only one not dressed up,” he heard Evan hum. “I won’t be dressed up either.” 

Connor lifted his head up in consideration. That would be better. He won’t be signaled out if someone notices that he is one of the only kids in his class not dressed up, and if Evan doesn’t dress up, then no one will question why these two friends have obviously very different school spirit. 

“True.” He shot Evan a tired smile, genuinely happy about that turn of events. Evan quickly looked back down at his food, and Connor noticed his face was red.

Was he... blushing?

Connor’s smile dropped off his face. Does Evan know that Connor likes him? Why would he blush if Connor shot him a smile? Maybe he knows that Connor smiles at no one but Evan, and even though Evan is quiet, that doesn’t mean he is an idiot. It’s not hard to put together that the person that the school freak smiles at is who they have a crush on.

“Evan?” Connor warily asked. His head snapped back up at him. “Are you okay? Your face is really fucking red.”

“Um, yeah, um—” He started looking at everything but Connor. Bad sign. “Just--hot. Yeah, I’m hot. That’s it.”

Connor didn’t believe that for a second. The school was always cold, and with it being bad out today, they haven't even turned their heater that they use for the winter on yet. Evan is actually wearing a jacket today as well, so how could he be hot?

Before he could call him out, the bell signaling the end of lunch rang.

“Oh look, I have to go to class. Sorry, bye.” He quickly threw his lunch tray in the trash bin and rushed out of the cafeteria doors.

Connor watched him go. Evan’s answer didn’t help calm him down, so now here he was worried that his only friend has found out that he has a crush on him. If Evan found out, he wouldn’t tell Connor because he wouldn’t want to hurt him and that’s what Connor hates the most. Even if Connor asked him face to face, Evan would stutter and stall, and then most likely lie so that the situation wouldn’t escalate.

Anxious and upset, Connor stormed out of the cafeteria to his next class.

This was something that he’d have to piece together himself.

\---

Connor has had a lot of weird things happen to him. He’s woken up from many weird weed dreams, has had both men and women flirt with him, he was even once called a butch lesbian by some random lesbian in the street. Though none of those things, or anything else weird happened during school.

Apparently today was the day that would change.

“Hey Connor!” he heard Jared call. Connor looked up from his locker to see Jared walking down the hallway, acting like he was cool shit.

“What the fuck do you want, Kleinman?” he snapped. Today was not the day that he wanted to put up with his shit.

“Don’t get all snippy,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “I just need to ask you a question.”

“Well make it quick.” 

“Are you gay for Evan?” Connor snapped his head to look at the boy.

“What the  _ fuck—” _

“Yes or no, Connor.” Connor couldn’t believe it. This kid who his whole life has bullied and been nothing but a  _ dick  _ to him has the audacity to ask if he is gay for his friend? No, his family friend. The family friend that he never gave a shit about in the first place.

“That’s none of your goddamn business, Kleinman.” He slammed his locker shut and turned his whole body towards Jared. “So stay out of it.”

“Yeah, that’s a no,” Jared hummed. Connor was fuming.

“Excuse me?”

“Usually it wouldn’t be my business, but since it involves Evan, the man I’ve sworn to protect—”

“Which you do a shit job at.”

“—It has become my business.” He completely ignored Connor interrupted him.

“No matter what you think, I’m not telling you shit.” He shoved past Jared, hoping that he would get the  _ very  _ strong hint that the conversation was over.

Of course, Jared has always been a dumbass.

“Look dude, I just want him to be happy!” he called after Connor. 

Connor stopped in his tracks. He turned around to face Jared, who hasn’t moved, with nothing but anger on his face.

“Yeah, because that’s what someone who has done nothing but belittle and boss around their family friend wants.” Jared opened his mouth to say something, but Connor continued. 

“You know, Evan always says that you guys are friends, but you never say the same. You are always correcting him, saying that you are family friends, which is a ‘totally different thing’ as you like to put it. Evan never felt that anyway gave a shit about him—” At this point, Connor was chest to chest with Jared, glaring at him. Jared was watching him with fear and anxiety in his eyes. “—and now you think to ask me personal questions because you  _ care about him _ ? You’ve never cared about him before, so you better get your cocky fucking personality and shit face away from me before I beat you to the point that all the dumbfucks here think you’re a new student.”

“I’m sure Evan would love to hear that you did that.” Jared bravely retorted. Connor continued glaring at him, but said nothing. “He has started believing that you are nice and kind—why, I don’t know—but if he finds out that  _ you _ beat his friend to a pulp, then he is both going to be afraid and hate you.”

“You don’t  _ fucking  _ know that.”

“Who has known Evan their whole life?” When Connor didn’t say anything, Jared smirked. “Exactly. So, I’ll ask again.”

Connor let him take a few steps back from him, glare never lessening. 

“Do you like Evan romantically?”

That’s a nicer way of putting it. Connor held eye contact with Jared as he went through all of the possibilities that could happen if he told Jared. He could tell Evan, he could tell the whole school, he could get people to beat Connor up, he could do nothing.

“Yeah,” he finally said. He wants to die, so if everyone starts attacking him for this, it will make his death easier. “Yeah, I am.”

“Great!” he cheered. Connor wanted to punch him in the face.

“What, you gonna go tell the whole school now?” he hissed.

“No, I’m going to help you.”

Connor scoffed. “Yeah, alright.” He shoved past Jared, hands in his pockets as he made his way to the library to meet up with Evan.

“Hey hey, wait!”

“You can fuck off, Kleinman.” Jared ran in front of Connor and stood in his way, holding his hands up to stop him. Connor glared at him. “Move.”

“No,” Jared said confidently, but Connor could see fear in his eyes. “I’m serious. I know we don’t get along—”

“Wow, it’s like calling me a school shooter really puts a dent in our relationship.”

“Okay, yes, that was shit of me to do,” he agreed. Connor raised an eyebrow, but said nothing else. “But I swear I want to help. I’ve never seen Evan as relaxed and happy in all the years I’ve known him. It’s like…” he trailed off, as if he was trying to find the best words. “It’s like you bring out the best for him.”

“Alright, I know for sure he is not the happiest with me,” Connor snapped. “No one is described as ‘happy’ when their around me.”

“But that’s the thing! He is! He has loosened up around you, is more comfortable with saying simple things like ‘no’, and he actually smiles a  _ real  _ smile!” Jared looked exasperated. Connor could guess it was a lot of work to try and convince Connor that he is good for Evan. “I mean, come  _ on  _ man, you’ve grown up with Evan as long as me. You can’t deny that there has been some sort of change.”

“We’re all almost adults,” Connor mumbled. “We all have to grow up at some point.”

Jared let out a groan. “You’re not getting it! Evan is a little bit happier and calmer around you!”

“Okay,” Connor finally relented. “But that doesn’t mean he likes me as a romantic partner.”

“I know for a fact that Evan is not completely straight. He liked Thor just a little too much for a guy who admires gods.”

“Weird comparison, but okay.” Connor looked around the hallway, thinking. Everyone had gone to their classes, and as far as he knew, Jared was supposed to be in class right now. No one was around to hear their conversation, to hear Connor confess his crush to a kid who has hated him for as long as Connor can think.

What the fuck is up with his life.

“Alright, Kleinman,” Connor finally relented. He took a step forward, looking down on Jared just to remind him that he was not afraid to hurt him if he decided to fuck with him. “Since you’re such a know-it-all and know what to do, tell me what your brilliant plan is.”

Jared smiled, and Connor couldn’t help but notice how it was genuine.

\---

Jared was confident that his plan would work. He knew that Evan wasn’t straight, even if the boy didn’t know it himself, and as soon as he was able to get him to figure it out, he would be able to get him and Connor together.

The only thing he was worried about is if Evan stays evident that he is straight and cuts off Connor, Connor will come for him and then he will have two people who hate him, even if one won’t admit it.

Jared hangs on to every conversation the he and Evan had about male actors, male characters in games. How Evan would say that they were pretty when they were younger, how he would have his male character be with another male character because “I just want to see if the game will let me, Jared”. The signs were harder to notice the older they grew, but Jared was still able to pick out the looks that Evan gave to men, because he gives the same look to women he openly finds attractive.

 

To Acorn:  _ hey man is it cool if i come over _

From Acorn:  _ Sure. I’m not doing anything _

To Acorn:  _ i had a feeling ;) _

From Acorn:  _ What does that mean? _

To Acorn:  _ ya know _

 

Step one was in motion. Get Evan to listen to Jared and see that he is one hundred percent bisexual. If Jared could do this, then maybe it would be a step closer to fixing he and Evan’s relationship. 

As usual, when Jared arrived at Evan’s house, Evan opened the door almost right after Jared knocked on the door. He always worried about leaving house guests out on the doorstep for too long.

“Hey,” Evan welcomed.

“Hey Evan!” Jared patted Evan’s shoulder as he walked past him. 

“What are you doing here? Not saying that I don’t want you here or that it’s a burden that you’re here. Just curious.” Evan anxiously rambled on. Jared just learn to either tune it out or to interrupt him. He remembers them growing up and Evan talking forever because he was worried he had hurt someone’s feelings.

“I have a question for you,” Jared started off. A sly way to begin.

“Huh?”

“What do you think about Connor?” 

“What do you mean, what do I think?” There was not stutter when he asked. When confronted with questions on what Evan thought about people, he would stutter, question if they thought he hated them, assure that he doesn’t hate them. When confronted about Connor, he doesn’t stutter and looks Jared in the eye. He has a daring look, as if challenging Jared to say something about Connor.

This boy has changed so much.

“You like him romantically, right?” That snapped Evan out of it. His eyes widened and he seemed to take a step back, shocked by the question.

“Jared, what?”

“It’s okay if you do, Evan,” Jared tried soothing, though he has a feeling it came off mockingly. “I know you typically like girls, so even if Connor is the first boy you’ve had a crush on, that doesn’t mean you’re a fake!’

“I-I don’t have a crush on Connor!” Quick to deny. Evan was anxious, Jared could tell that much. This was a different type of anxiety though. This wasn’t his reaction when people confronted him with a lie, this was the reaction when people confront him with something he is struggling with.

Growing up with him, Jared had been able to learn the difference. When people confront him with a lie that somehow involved him, Evan would cross his arms, stammer, look away and deny it. Jared picked up on the difference when someone had told Evan that they were sure he and Jared were brothers.

When someone confronts him with something he is struggling with, he goes throw the same motions—stammering, crossed arms, etcetera. Though the difference between the two was that when it was something Evan was struggling with or knew was true, he wouldn’t look away from people, but he would take a step back. It was as if he was trying to convince them and himself, but the step back was him trying to leave the situation. Get out of speaking the truth.

They were slight, and Jared knew that almost nobody knows the difference between their friend’s anxiety. He had committed the actions to memory because he thought it would help him in the future.

So here Evan was, arms crossed, stammering over his words, but staring Jared right in the eye. 

“You don’t think of Murphy in any romantic way?” he pushed. “You don’t think about him holding your hand, picking you up for a date, anything?” 

Evan took a step back. Jackpot.

“No, never,” he spat out. “I mean, him and I are friends. Who thinks that about friends? Friends don’t think about going on dates with other friends, they don’t think about holding hands with friends, they don’t think their friends look cute, they don’t think about kissing them and loving them and wanting to eat dinner with their family or—”

“Evan!” Jared stopped him. Evan stopped talking and he looked more nervous than ever. Jared smiled. “I never said anything about him looking cute or kissing him.”

Evan’s face dropped. Jared knew that he had caught Evan in the act of denying his own thoughts instead of Jared’s words. When he is denying the truth, he forgets what they said and what he thought. That’s where Jared usually catches him.

“I-I don’t,” he stuttered. “There's no way. I like Connor as a friend, nothing more. I’ve never even liked a boy, so how could I—”

“Even if Connor is the only boy you’ve ever had a crush on, that still validates you as bi,” Jared was quick to attempt to soothe. “It just means you’re .01% bi!”

Evan started at him with a look of disbelief. 

It was silent while Evan went over the information. Jared watched as his friend slowly started falling into deeper panic, causing for some major concern. Even though Jared has been around for a lot of Evan’s panic attacks, he never knew what to do. Whenever Evan started crying, started panicking, or feeling any kind of usually negative emotion, Jared froze.

“Uh, Evan?” Evan didn’t say anything but looked back at Jared. “You okay dude?”

“No—No, no no no,” he started mumbling. Jared coughed awkwardly, not knowing what to do.

“Do you uh, want me to leave?” he asked. Evan nodded his head and looked down at the ground. He was scratching at his cast and staring at the ground with such pain, you would think it had killed his mother. “Alright, uh, I’m gonna go.”

When Evan didn’t make a move to respond, Jared let himself out. 

Step one of getting Connor and Evan together complete. Now he just needs to help Connor.

\---

Connor was going to lose his mind. 

When Jared told him his plan two days ago, he thought it was stupid. Since everything Kleinman does is stupid, Connor agreed to let him go through with it.

Convince Evan that he was gay for Connor.

At first, Connor ignored the fear in his gut. He still didn’t believe that Evan had any sort of crush on him, so it was easy to push out the fact that this was a horrible plan.

All of that changed when he saw Jared walk into the school with a smug smile, as if he had actually done something with his life.

He made eye contact with Connor while they stood at their lockers. Connor almost gave him a look of desperation, hoping that he had failed, that Evan had just called him a dumbshit and that he and Connor were friends and that they were going to  _ stay  _ that way because there was no way that Connor would be anything good for Evan. He would ruin him, ruin his hope at love, his hope at life, his  _ hope— _

Jared had given him a thumbs up and wide smile. It took all of Connor’s power to not bang his head against his locker. Jared motioned towards the bathroom that was down the hall from their lockers and started walking that way. Connor gave it a few minutes so that no one would notice that he and Jared were meeting up in the bathroom like weird gay lovers do before heading out.

“I told you I’d do it man!” Jared cheered when he walked in. Connor anxiously looked around and was grateful to see that there was no one else in the bathroom.

“You’re lying,” Connor snapped. 

“No way! I got him to realize his gay crush for you!”

“You, Jared Kleinman,” Connor started, disbelief clear in his voice. “Convinced Evan Hansen, one of the most anxious and straightest boys in this school, that he had a crush on the biggest junkie in the school?”

“It’s part of my charm.” Connor was going to have an anxiety attack. He knew that Jared was going to talk to him about their conversation today so he didn’t smoke anything, but  _ man  _ did he regret that decision.

“You better not be fucking with me—”

“I’m not!” he snapped. “I swear, I’m not. I value my life too much to lie to you.”

Connor ignored that comment. “How exactly did this conversation go?”

“That is what stays between me and Evan,” he hummed. “All that matters now is that you ask him out to the dance.”

“Neither of us like the dance.”

“Then ask him out in general!” Jared laughed. “You guys are the most awkward people ever, but no each other  _ so well! _ Just go for it!”

Connor had a lot of emotions running through his head. He didn’t want to believe Jared, wanted to brush off what he said as a lie, but he couldn’t. This is something that he wanted since freshman year, to actually have someone he likes like him back.

“Okay,” Connor relented. He walked away from Jared, ending the conversation.

“Do I get a thank you?” Jared called as he left the bathroom. Connor let the door shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, five years later and I finally update. I had spring break so you know your girl did nothing and then I got story ideas for Umbrella Academy (which you should all read mark my words its the best). Anyway, Jared redemption, in my story???? It’s more likely than you think. We all know that boy cares deep down and is too afraid. He has to start the path of fixing he and Evans’s relationship  
> Also, don’t try convincing your friends they are something or a certain sexuality? Let them figure that out on their own. Yes, in this story, Evan already has an inclining that he likes Connor, but Jared doesn’t know that. So if you have a feeling a friend is a certain sexuality or gender identity or whatever, you can help them along, but don’t push them?? It’s rude and momma will fight you.  
> It's me. I'm Momma. I have a car and will run you over
> 
> Come talk to me on Tumblr!: igottoomuchwriting


	4. Connor and Evan have Big Anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan stop dancing around their feelings

Evan didn’t want to get up.

After Jared had left yesterday, Evan had a panic attack that lasted for four hours. He was freaking out because if Jared could tell that he likes Connor, does that mean that Connor could tell? If Connor could tell why hasn’t he stopped being friends with Evan? Since when did Evan start liking boys? Was it weird that he had a crush on Zoe and then on Connor? 

His Mom had come home right at the end of his panic attack. She was so worried, asking what had happen, that he was doing so well, that it was okay, but it  _ wasn’t _ .

Evan finally makes a friend who treats him like a person, who actually listens to him, who actually wants to be around him and talk to him and get to know him, and then he has to go and ruin it with a stupid crush.

On top of that, he hasn’t told his Mom about Connor at all. He can’t exactly tell her that he had this friend, got a crush on him—oh yeah by the way I’m bi mom have fun with that—and now he has to work on not ruining that and he has to do scholarship essays so that the can go to a college he doesn’t want to go to and worry about raising funds for a senior party that will set off his anxiety by being around people who don’t remember his name half of the time and it’s starting to feel like the summer—

No. He can’t go back to the summer. She will ask what happen during the summer, what was he feeling during the summer. The truth is hard to believe. She won’t believe that he was fine, he was just stressed, he wasn’t hanging out with Jared because they were busy. She wouldn’t believe that he stopped writing letters because he felt better in nature, that climbing the tree was a impulse decision. A silly mistake. 

Sometimes he doesn’t believe the truth.

So here he was, Thursday morning, staring at his wall. He got about an hour of sleep and woke up two hours before his alarm. There was no way that he would be able to handle being around Connor or anyone at the school without having an anxiety attack. Everyone gets so  _ loud  _ and he’s already worrying about everything with Connor. 

Maybe his Mom would let him stay home today.

There was a soft knock on his door.

“Evan, sweetie?” he heard his Mom call. “The bus will be here soon. Are you doing okay?”

“I’m not feeling well,” he immediately answered. He looked over at his Mom’s concerned face. Hopefully she’ll believe him.

“Are you sick?” She sat down by his legs, placing a gentle touch. 

“In a way,” he mumbled. Sometimes it was hard to lie to his Mom—other times, it was super easy.

She placed the back of her hand against his forehead. She repeated the motion around his face and on his neck and it took all of Evan’s power to not move away. He wasn’t a big fan of her touching his face, or people in general.

“You don’t have a fever.”

“Can I just not go to school?” he begged. 

“Evan, sweetie, I know it’s hard, but you need to go.” She gave him a sad smile as she brushed his hair out of his face. He hated that look. “If you miss a day of school, then you’ll be stressed about the homework you missed plus the homework that you had from yesterday. I don’t want you working yourself into a panic attack.”

Too late, he thought to himself. He pursed his lips in disappointment. That was a big thing with his Mom. Evan needed to stay on top of things. Sometimes he was tempted to send her posts he found online about letting your kids have mental health days, but he felt that would cause a fight. 

He can’t remember the last time that they had a fight.

“Okay,” he mumbled. “I’ll go to school.”

“That’s my boy!” she cheered. Evan gave her a small smile. She stood up from the bed to let him sit up properly and he followed her up. “I know it’s hard, but I believe that you will be able to make it through!”

“Okay.” She placed a kiss on the top of his head before heading towards his bedroom door.

“Make sure that you are ready by the time the bus is here!” Evan watched the door close behind her with a heavy heart. 

\---

The bus ride to school did nothing to help calm his anxiety. Today was the day that the Freshmen at the school decided that they were going to be obnoxiously loud—more so than usual—as well as throw things around, successfully pissing off the bus driver. Evan was close to having a panic attack after the bus driver yelled at them. To top it all off, he hasn’t gotten a single text from Connor.

Not usually a big deal, but after his conversation with Jared, every bit of information involving Connor was enough to set him off. 

Maybe he could talk to Connor. He could ask if Jared talked to him, and if Connor does know then he would tell him. If Jared didn’t tell him then he would be able to play it off as Jared just being a dick again. It may make Connor hate him more, but it wasn’t like they were going to rebuilding the relationship any time soon.

As he stepped off the bus he made up his mind. He would talk to Connor and find out the easy way if Jared talked to him.

As Evan entered the school, he was a little more alert than usual. He wanted to make sure that he didn’t miss Connor while walking around. It was not Connor that he found, though. He ended up walking behind the one and only Jared Kleinman.

He held his breath. He hasn’t talk to Jared since he came over and he is honestly starting to dread it. Even though Evan already had a feeling that he was bisexual and had a small crush on Connor, Jared was never the best at calmly bringing things up and helping people realize things on their own terms. It’s just a flaw that he has. 

He could be going to talk to Connor now. If he went up to Connor than Evan would know. Evan would know and he could leave and cut off communication with Connor before Connor even has time to think about what is happening. He could tell his mom he needs to be homeschooled, the bullying is getting bad. She would be disappointed,  _ upset  _ that her son can’t handle a simple thing like high school but Evan wouldn’t care. He would leave after he graduates and then he wouldn’t have to think about anyone else. Only himself. Just like over the summer.

Jared went into the bathroom. Evan watched anxiously. Would Connor follow? Was this a plan?

Evan stood by and watched from around the corner for about two minutes. Connor stayed at his locker, seemingly ignoring Jared. That’s when Evan let out a breath of relief. Jared must not be telling Connor.

He started walking towards Connor so that they could continue a normal conversation, pretend nothing happened.  _ You would believe me over Jared, right? If Jared told you something?  _ Of course he would.

When Evan was half way down the hallway, Connor closed his locker. He must have seen Evan. 

Then he turned around, looking past Evan, and walked right into the men’s bathroom. Evan’s heart stopped.

_ Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god— _

He could feel his breath picking up, his hands sweating, body shaking. He couldn’t focus, couldn’t breathe. All he could think about was Jared and Connor are in the bathroom, Jared looked really confident, Connor was going to talk to Jared—

He had to leave. He can’t be here. If he is here, Connor will talk to him, he will yell at him, call him freak, say it’s weird that he has a crush on a guy he’s known for almost two months after having a crush on his sister. Who the fuck does that?

 

_ To Mom: Hey mom can you call the school to sign me out? I feel like I’m going to puke _

 

Easier to say than he was going to have a panic attack. If he told his Mom he was going to have a panic attack then she would ask why and he would have to come out when he just came out to  _ himself  _ and she would try to be supportive but it would come off harsh and cause more panic and he just. Just couldn’t handle that right now.

 

_ From Mom: Of course sweetie. Can you walk home?  _

_ To Mom: Yes _

_ From Mom: I called. Get home safe. I love you! Xoxo _

 

Again with the ‘xoxo’. Doesn’t matter. Evan can’t focus on that right now. He just needs to get home right now.

\---

Evan wasn’t at school today. It wasn’t often that Evan skipped school. In fact, does he ever skip school? Connor can’t remember. 

He wanted to ask Jared if he knew where Evan was, but that would be stupid. First of all, he doesn’t want Kleinman to think they are being all buddy buddy now. Second, Evan doesn’t tell Jared shit. He would know even less about where Evan is. Hell, he would probably say in his stupid voice  _ I didn’t even notice he wasn’t here! _

Jackass.

He didn’t want to sit in the lunchroom alone with no food where he knows Zoe will be able to see him, so he went on a walk. Maybe too long of a walk.

Might have gotten high, but whose problem is that?

He ended up skipping the rest of school. He only had fifth period and then sixth was his free period, so why not just go home? He would get in less trouble for skipping school than arriving at school high. He didn’t go home until school ended though. He may be suicidal, but even he won’t drive while he is high. He’d rather take his own life, not anyone else’s.

He ended up texting Evan. He had nothing to do while sitting in his truck and he still wanted to know where the boy was, so why not do something productive to his own life?

His sad, angry life.

 

To Single Scoop _ : hey were you at school _

 

Connor got a response an hour later.

 

From Single Scoop _ : No _

 

Okay well maybe that was a stupid question. Of course he wasn’t at school, Connor didn’t see a sign of him in class or at lunch.

 

To Single Scoop _ : were you sick _

From Single Scoop _ : Yeah _

 

He must be sick from anxiety. Evan never gave this vague of answers. He is always worried about hurting someone or people not understanding what he is doing so he’ll borderline over-explain a lot of things.

He doesn’t want to wait any longer. If he waits on asking Evan out, then he will never do it. If Jared is right and Evan does like him romantically then it would be an opportunity wasted.

 

To Single Scoop _ : can i talk to you after school tomorrow _

From Single Scoop _ : Yeah _

 

Good. Okay. We’re getting somewhere. He wants to talk to Connor. Now all Connor needs to do is think of what to say. How hard can it be?

\---

He cannot think of anything to say.

He stayed up late last night trying to think of calm, collected, genuine way to ask Evan out. He watched some shows where they would ask partners out, watched videos on youtube of how couples got together, he even stole one of Zoe’s magazines to see if they had any help.

None of them helped. Everything was from the woman’s view, of what a woman could do to get a guy to notice her, what guys could do to make a woman happy and make them “fall in love” with them. There was nothing on how a guy could ask out a guy. So now Connor was just going to have to wing it.

He and Evan agreed to meet by his car at the end of school. He wishes they could meet somewhere else instead of a place where kids from their school could see them, disturb them, or eavesdrop on their conversation, but this was the best that they had. Connor didn’t want to bring him somewhere he couldn’t leave so he would  _ have  _ to say yes. Here is a neutral ground—Connor could hop in his car and Evan could walk home.

It was good. It was fine. Nothing bad could really happen.

All that confidence was thrown out the window when Connor saw Evan making his way towards his truck.

Connor immediately panicked. What does he ask? 

Wanna date? Go out with me? I’ve liked you since seventh grade and you made me realize I was gay? No, that’s fucking creepy—

“Connor?” Connor looked up and there he was, Evan Hansen. Why can’t he breathe?

“Hey,” he mumbled. “Glad you made it.” Glad you made it?!

“Yeah.” He looked down at his feet and Connor saw him playing with the bottom of his polo. He could see his big and bulky handwriting that spelt out his name on the side of his cast. “What um… What did you want to uh, talk about?”

Great. Right to the point. No more stalling.

“Well, I wanted to talk to you about… something.”

“Obviously,” Evan laughed. 

“Okay, yeah,” Connor sighed. “Don’t get fucking sassy. It’s just…” he trailed off. How the hell does he say this? Is Evan going to be mad that he went to Jared? That Jared shared this secret?

“I like you,” he blurted out. Connor watched Evan tense up.  _ Shit. _

“Well, I uh, I would hope so,” he laughed anxiously. He was avoiding eye contact, wiping his hands on his pants.

“No. Fuck,” he cursed gently. Evan being anxious is making  _ him  _ anxious. “I mean I  _ like  _ like you.” What is this, middle school? “Like, a fucking crush or some shit like that.” He doesn’t sound confident in himself. Honestly, he doesn’t know if he is.

Evan was frozen. He seemed to stop moving, stop breathing. He was showing what Connor was feeling on the inside.

There was silence. Neither of them said anything. Connor was getting ready to blow with every second that ticked by. He wanted push Evan away, yell at him, scare him off, anything. He hated opening himself up to other people and he just couldn’t live with someone knowing this secret about him. 

Evan finally mumbled something under his breath, thought Connor couldn’t hear him.

“What?”

“I can’t believe you would play a fucking prank on me!” he snapped. Connor shook his head. First of all, he never hear Evan curse that often, much less in the sense to yell at someone. 

And prank?

“What the fuck do you mean?” Connor snapped, ever on the defense.

“I mean, how stupid—” He let out a sad laugh and looked at the ground while shaking his head. “Everyone does it. Maybe I’m stupid. Of course you would do this, because why else? Who wants to be friends with the loser kid unless it is to pull a prank on him.” He finally looked up at Connor and the pain in his eyes made Connor want to kill every person that ever hurt him. “Did Jared put you up to this?”

“What—”

“What a stupid fucking question,” he mumbled, interrupting Connor. “Of course Jared put you up to this! Why else would he corner me in my house? I can’t trust him, I never  _ fucking  _ could, but I trusted you Connor.”

“Evan, would you  _ please— _ ”

“I actually  _ fucking  _ trusted you!” Evan snapped. “I thought people grew out of the ‘asking people out as a joke’ phase Sophomore year, but apparently not! Apparently it’s still super fun to watch the kid who has a panic attack every time he has to answer to his name during roll call get his heart broken because no one  _ actually  _ wants to go out with him, or be his friend!”

“I thought you were better than this Connor. I really thought you wouldn’t be the kind of person to take advantage of me like that, but I don’t know why I thought that.”

“Evan, would you  _ shut the fuck up _ !” Connor finally yelled. Evan stopped his rambling and looked Connor in the face, both fear and sadness in his eyes. “It’s not a fucking prank, for god's sake!”

“What else would it be?” Evan asked.

“The fucking truth, maybe?” Connor took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. He needed to fix the situation or this would be the end of he and Evan’s friendship. “I’m not lying! I know—I know it’s hard to believe, and I haven’t given you any fucking reason to believe me, but it’s true.”

“How long?” he asked.

“Since seventh grade,” Connor mumbled. It’s so fucking embarrassing.

“ _ Seventh grade? _ ”

“Yeah! I know,” Connor snapped. “I fucking know, it’s weird. It’s really fucking weird, but you were… definitely someone that helped me figure out my sexuality. I always had a small crush on you but I never wanted to try to talk to you because I was the freak and I never thought you would want to talk to me. But since we have become friends the crush started becoming stronger because you’re actually fucking  _ nice  _ and care about people, the environment, everyone!”

“I’m not...I’m not that nice.”

“But you  _ are. _ ” Evan was avoiding eye contact. He was still playing with the bottom of his polo.

Evan hadn’t left him standing alone by his truck and that was the only thing that Connor could count as a win right now. 

“I need to think about it,” Evan mumbled. Connor nodded his head in understanding.

“Yeah. Okay, that’s fair.”

“I’m sorry, Connor,” Evan rushed out. Before Connor could tell him it was okay, it wasn’t his fault, not his problem but Connor’s, Evan rushed away in the other direction.

Connor watched with a heavy heart. He couldn't blame Evan for just running, for flipping out on Connor for thinking that he was pulling a prank on him. Obviously by the way he has reacted, something like that has been done plenty of times.

He should go home. There was nothing he could do now. Evan was gone and if Connor stayed here a minute longer, he would lash out.

\---

“Connor, would you please eat your food,” Cynthia plead for the fifth time that night.

Connor actually decided to sit down with his family tonight because he has honestly been trying to give in to the need to want to be around people he gets very so often. He just forgets that his family will criticize behavior they want to see.

“I’m not hungry,” he mumbled.

“Larry, would you  _ please  _ tell him it’s important to eat.”

“Connor, listen to your mother,” Larry scolded without looking up from his IPad. Connor rolled his eyes.

“Larry!”

“Why are you not hungry, Connor?” Zoe snapped, always fed up with the attention being on Connor. Little does she know that Connor was too. “You should be starving after smoking so much pot.”

“I already told you I didn’t smoke today,” Connor snapped. “I stayed after school to talk to Evan!” Zoe motioned quotation marks as he talked and it took all of Connor’s energy to not throw something at her. 

“Zoe, do  _ not  _ antagonize your brother!” Cynthia snapped. 

“He’s lying! It’s obvious!”

“Zoe!” Zoe huffed and leaned back in her chair with her arms crossed, glaring at her plate of food. 

Connor felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He slipped his phone out of his pocket and looked down at the screen, anxiety festering deep in his chest. There was only one person that would text him at any point of time and Connor had been waiting all evening for him to answer.

 

From Single Scoop:  _ I thought about my answer and _

From Single Scoop:  _ Yes. I will go on a date with you.  _

From Single Scoop:  _ Not complete partners yet but… I will go out on a date _

 

A bright smile took over his whole face. He doesn’t remember being so happy about something since he was young. Yes he was terrified. He could easily mess this up, whether it be with his mental health, with his simple thoughts, or just by existing. For once though, he was looking on the positive side.

“Connor?” Cynthia called. Connor snapped his head up to his mother to see a confused look on her face. “What are you smiling about?”

“I uh…” he stuttered. “I passed my math quiz.”

Cynthia’s face lit up and Connor felt a little bad at the fact that he lied.

Only a little bit.

“That’s great!” she cheered. Zoe stood up from the table and stormed off, seemingly done with the forced family time that Connor decided to actually take part in. Connor understands her feelings. He wishes he wasn’t related to him either, but they are stuck with each other. He has tried fixing it before, but apparently it was harder than people made it out to be to actually—

Connor stopped that thought process. He didn’t want to think about it right now. He and Evan were gonna go on a date.

If only seventh grade Connor could see him now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT I PROCRASTINATED THE SHIT OUT OF THIS. Like dead ass if you follow me on Tumblr, you can see that I have recently become obsessed with The Umbrella Academy and uh... it's taking over my life. Other fandoms who????  
> If you guys are confused about the timeline so far, please let me know. I can make a timeline and post it before the next story so you can keep track of what is going on. I don’t want anything to be confused on the month and all the time skips. Also if you guys feel I am romanticizing something, please say. Constructive criticism will help me with writing Connor’s character. I am reading the book and listening to the musical again and trying to put him across as the hurt, angry boy that he was, but if I seem to be straying away from that please tell me. I will fix it.
> 
> Come talk to me on Tumlbr!: igottoomuchwriting

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what to say about this??? Evan is panicking because he is starting to like Connor but he should like Zoe and Jared just sees it all. That's it basically.
> 
> Come talk to me on Tumblr!: igottoomuchwriting


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